A Decision

A while ago, I experienced a fork in the road. Not a bough-covered shady spot on a soft trail by a babbling brook where Thoreau and I could laugh away the hours mulling over the good things that would surely come my way with either decision. No. This was me, broke down on a gravel highway, cell phone dead,  with a semi barreling toward me. The status quo lay on one path like an unworn prom dress. Certain danger lay on the other fork. In the end, it wasn’t much of a choice. I was asked to do something at work. Something right and necessary and ethical. But it wasn’t me. It wasn’t that I couldn’t force myself to fill the role, to be an actor, and mold myself into it. I did. Well, I tried. But, the more I wore the hat I was asked to wear, it just didn’t feel right. Nor did it appear genuine to others. A part of me that I genuinely liked was forced to go into hiding to play the part.

I decided to lean on my strengths. I agreed I wasn’t the right person for what we need to accomplish in the time allotted. That’s the official title of my decision. “Not the right person for what needs to be done in the time allotted.” It saves my reputation from abject failure. More than one person secretly accosted me, grabbing hold of my hand and shoulder. “Best decision you ever made,” they said. My natural inclinations and sensibilities weren’t what were needed to lift us to where we need to go. Instead, I  admitted that there are things I’m just not as good at as others. Shocker? Not to others. Not even to myself. But still, it’s easy to register this as a failure. Why? And why mine?

So, I’ve taken a step back. It feels good. It feels good to go back to what I’m good at. There will be time for improvement. There is always time for improvement. And plenty to improve upon. But there are times to let people with more apropos skills do the job. It’s part of knowing yourself, I think. To know when to trudge through the high-water and when to step back to the shore. For me, for now, it’s time to watch from the beach.

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